im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
