i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize