Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
