i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
