he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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