I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You took a bar mat shot.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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