"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
