If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
ttyl tear gas
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
