I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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