onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
