I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's blow job season.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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