I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
