Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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