mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize