the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
