She said her name was "party"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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