I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
