Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
