Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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