bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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