I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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