Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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