Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
