I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
