why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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