Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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