i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
