I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
