I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
