theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
