..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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