you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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