you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
