Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
