Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
