Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
