OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
