I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You smell like stripper and shame
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
