my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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