Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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