i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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