I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
