I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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