Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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