"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
