your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
