K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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