That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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