Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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