if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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