So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
