the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
