In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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