i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
