so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
