this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize