I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
