Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
