Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
