He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize