In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He shit in the fireplace
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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