I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
did i just pee glitter
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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