I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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