My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
