What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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