She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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