I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
