which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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