I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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