she kept yelling 'call me bella'
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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